Speaking our truth – are we ever ready to say it?

As a coach and spiritual practitioner, I often talk about the importance of speaking our truth as part of our journey to self-mastery. But the truth is, are we ever ready to say it?

One of the things that I find challenging at times is speaking my truth. I’m fairly an outspoken person. I have no qualms in sharing my voice and expressing my views. However, I still feel uncomfortable in speaking up on certain matters.

It is easier said than done. Many of us especially us Asian women, are still reticent about revealing our thoughts and feelings readily. This is because we fear of several things.

We fear of being judged by others. What would people say about me? They would talk behind my back. They would make fun of me. They would say I’m not good enough.

We fear we will not be liked and accepted. This is particularly so when we speak about something that goes against societal or cultural norms.

We fear losing friendships. We are afraid to express different opinions or highlight what makes us feel unsafe and uncomfortable. We are afraid to offend.

We fear communicating openly and honestly in our intimate relationships because we are afraid of rejection and abandonment. In some instances, we fear retaliation and aggression.

We fear the potentiality of loss. We are afraid that nothing will come in to fill in the void, therefore we hold on to something very tightly – even if it does not serve us well.

Of late, I’ve been tested. I’ve been forced to speak up, to highlight on matters that disrespected my time and crossed my boundaries.

For example, tardiness. Tardiness is one of my pet peeves and though I give leeway for a couple of minutes, I’m less patient when it cuts into my coaching time. There are probably valid reasons attributing to the lateness but if I notice a tardiness pattern, I would call it out and request for punctuality.

Tardiness might be considered cultural norms in some countries but as far as Malaysia is concerned, we are reasonably punctual for most business appointments. Therefore, I don’t see any harm in my request for punctuality. Furthermore, punctuality does not mean regimental. Punctuality means, “I value your time. I care about our time together which is a priority to me, therefore I choose to be on time.”

And yet despite the request, the tardiness continued. At one point, I had to cancel the appointment as I didn’t see the benefit of waiting any longer and it was clear that the other person disrespected my time.

Interestingly, what offends people is not the calling out and the request for punctuality. I’d thought they would be embarrassed by it. No, instead they felt offended and could not fathom why or how I could cancel the appointment. They felt that the cancellation for reason of tardiness was harsh.

Related Post: Coaching Sessions – Emotional (Therapeutic) Journaling

Another incident was sometime earlier this year when I said No to someone and was publicly ridiculed for that. The ridicule was in a teasing, almost insidious way and I had sensed intuitively that he was not taking the rejection well. I had to have a word with him privately and the ridicule stopped.

In the past, I was a people-pleaser. I would say Yes to people without much thought. I had said Yes when I actually meant No. Later I learnt that the reason I kept saying Yes to others was because of the underlying fear of not being liked and accepted. I also carried the fear of rejection and retaliation.

But I’ve realised now that when we continuously choose not to speak up on matters that make us uncomfortable or that cross our boundaries, we actually give our power away to others. As we continue to do this, resentment builds within us and we end up blaming others for our predicament.

In the long run, we continue to betray and repress ourselves to the extent we forget who we truly are. We don’t even know what our needs are. As a result, we forget how to communicate what we want or don’t want, what we like or dislike. We forget to use our voice. And we lose our authenticity.

We always say, “Yeah it’s okay to say No, no worries” but we still feel disappointed when someone declines or cancels us. It’s normal to feel disappointed and upset but I reckon we can handle it. We are much stronger than that. Isn’t it better for someone to be upfront and say No, rather than to lead us on only to discover later that he/she never meant it in the first place?

Now I aim to say what I mean and mean what I say. When I say Yes, I really mean it and ensure that my actions reflect that. If for any reason, I change my mind halfway to say No, I inform and communicate appropriately. And when I say No, I really mean No.

That said, I truly understand it’s not easy to speak our truth. I do feel the distress about having those conversations and the impact post that. There were occasions when I felt so stressed about it that I actually fell sick. A few years ago, I developed a fever after a confronting conversation with my father about the future of my work as a coach and spiritual practitioner (he was very much against it). Just recently, I contracted covid after some difficult conversations with people who disrespected my time and value.

Tension and anxiety built up in my body and my nervous system before those conversations and once they were over, all those energies were released and my body, mind and spirit had to retreat from the world to love and care for myself.

I’ve also wondered what is it like to be in the other person’s shoe. I’ve realised that one of the reasons they felt offended was because they had not learnt to establish healthy boundaries with themselves and with others. They had probably never learnt to say No. For example, the person who is always running late has never learnt to say No to others’ demands on their time and energy. So, when they encounter boundaries in the case of cancellation, they are surprised, sometimes even shocked.

While the examples that I shared in this post might seem trivial, it’s the little things that we are, surprisingly, uncomfortable to talk about openly and honestly. But if we are not courageous enough to speak up about things that cross our boundaries – no matter how small – how can we then manage conversations of the bigger stuff?

You may feel nervous or scared in speaking your truth, in communicating your needs or in expressing your views. You may never be fully ready for it. It may invite potential arguments, stonewalling or even run the risk of losing the relationship/connection. But do it anyway.

Because once you’ve tasted liberation and empowerment that comes with speaking your truth, you’ll never want to keep silent simply to keep the peace. Or to keep the relationship.

The more you share your voice and speak your truth, the more you will invite like-minded people into your life – people who respect and value who you truly are.